Interpersonal conflict has the potential of arising in almost every interaction we make. Interestingly, our biggest conflicts tend to occur with the people closest to us, be it best friends, spouses or, coming from my own personal experience, even family.
My dad has been an integral figure in my life. His emphasis on values such as discipline and continued education make me who I am today. However, his old-fashioned mentality and high expectations has caused us to disagree on certain matters and most recently, it was on the issue of whether I should pursue my studies.
My dad felt that it would be advantageous for me to pursue Master’s or Doctoral degree after my graduation. He has always encouraged me to go as high up the educational ladder as possible and felt that getting a Masters or PhD should be my next logical step.
I totally disagreed with his suggestion, having had enough of studying and wanting to start my career as soon as I could. I grew increasingly frustrated as my dad continued to push his point across and I felt as though he was not taking into account the struggles I would have to go through to continue my education. We were both steadfast in our stands and I eventually ended the conversation not having reached an agreement and with our differences unresolved.
As with most disagreements with my dad, I always feel that I could have handled the situation better and here is where I need opinions from you guys. With regards to the discussion on my studies, how could I have better responded and come to mutual understanding with my dad?
Hey Zab,
ReplyDeleteI faced this problem before too. Luckily, my father gave me enough freedom to do what I wanted to do. Therefore, I know exactly how you feel. Conflicts with parents have always been the one the hardest to solve in my opinion, especially when they are people whom we love and respect. One thing for sure, whatever they do or want us to do, it is to our best interests.
It seemed like you always have disagreements with your father which you cannot solve. This is rather 'unhealthy' in your relationship with your father. You might want to ask yourself: Why can't I reach an agreement with my father? Was it my attitude? My tone? Maybe a self-reflection would do good in ironing out issues with your father next time.
I will suggest that you apologise to your father and have a good chat with regards to this issue AGAIN. Apologising does not always mean you are in the wrong and he is right. It just means that you value your relationship more than your ego. I feel that your father just does not want you to regret not pursuing higher level of education, in a bid for better career prospect, next time when you look back in life. Before you actually start working, you might want to consider carefully the reasons that your father has to offer for pursuing higher level of education. I believe you have thought about the tradeoff between studying for Masters and starting work early.
Perhaps you can also share with your father your plans for the future so as to better convince him that you are ready to start a new life and step into the real world. As such, your father will then be more relieved to learn that you have matured and have an idea of what to expect in life.
I think the keywords here are NO REGRETS IN ANYTHING YOU DO.
Cai Jie
Hi Zab!
ReplyDeleteIt seems like this is a common problem for our generation to have with our parents. I have been in similar situations before. In my case, not only my father, but my mother and uncles felt that it would be my best interest to continue pursuing a higher education. It was indeed a tricky situation and I can understand how you feel.
In these situations, it seems like both sides are rather adamant about their stand. While it is not an uncommon situation, there is also a possibility for the conflicts to escalate out of control. Therefore, I feel it is very important for us to be aware of our tone and language use when in such a situation. Because our behavior will affect the attitude of the other party and vice versa.
For your situation, I feel that both sides can be right and there are plenty of reasons to justify both sides of the argument. But I feel that is not the important point here. When having the discussion with your dad, I feel it is very important for you to make him feel that his views are well respected and taken into consideration. Listen with your "heart". Understand from his point of view that what he stands for has your best interest in mind. At the same time, subtly let him know that you are "big" enough to have your own judgement and decision. It is more important to make him feel that you're sensible for your decision than overwhelming each other with logic with why each other's choices is better. Eventually i am sure your father will come to respect your decision =)
Hey Zabir,
ReplyDeleteMy father too has hinted me the option of doing postgraduate studies. However, he respects any decision I make as he feels I am matured enough to do so.
I do agree with Cai Jie that you can share your future plans with your father. Perhaps if he knows you have a concrete plan for your future, he will understand your view.
Furthering studies also might mean that you are to be an academic, and your passion might not lie in that profession.
Sometimes, we get more emotional than usual when we talk to our family members regarding issues. That factor can affect the effectiveness of the communication. I would advise that you keep this emotional factor in place whenever you have a conversation with him.
Hope all goes well between you and him man.
Hi Zab!
ReplyDeleteI had similar disagreement with my father regarding my education too. He was in favour of me taking up a business related course rather than Chemistry. Eventually he gave in as he felt that I should be responsible for the choices I make.
I agree with Ikhsan's suggestion that you can share with your father the concrete plans you have for the future. You can tell him that your passion does not lie in pursing postgraduate studies but in starting your career. By sharing the concrete plans you have for your future, you may be able to convince him that you are confident of doing equally well by starting your career early.
Also, like what Cai Jie has shared, I think that we often neglect our tone when we are talking to our closest ones. By discussing about your future to your father in a calm and mature manner is more likely to convince him that you are ready to be responsible for such major decisions in life.
All the best and I hope that all goes well between you and your father! :)
Hey guys!
ReplyDeleteThanks for all your insightful comments, they have given me some fresh perspectives on the issue.
@Cai Jie: I especially agree with your point on self-evaluation. Sometimes we do need to take a step back and analyze our own actions, part and parcel of building a better EQ
@Jeremy: It is true that he has my best interest at heart and I agree that eventually he will understand my perspective. Until then I have to improve on communicating my thought process in a more effective way!
@Ikhsan: It's funny isn't it? We learn about communication and we try our best with friends and colleages but when it comes to family we somehow seem to have a lower tolerance level! But you make a good point that emotions get in a way of effective communication sometimes and that is definitely something I can work on. =]
@Pei Zi: I agree that in the end I will have to put in more effort in showing in my behaviour that I am able to make sound decisions rather than trying to win a verbal joust with my dad. thank you for your views!